source link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jcn1SlQyoTs | Matt D’Avella
keywords: self-dev, motivation, improvement, help, personal responsibility
❌ you’re responsible for everything
✔ you're responsible for everything you can realistically control
core advice
pretty popular advice in order to improve your life (mindset, circumstances, etc.)
- it's your own responsibility
- it’s on you
- your job
- your health
- your love life
- any other skill/inability
but this can be
- polarising
- misunderstood
- some variations can be problematic
how can this change your life
- Mark Manson (bestselling author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck)
- “There is a realisation from which all potential personal growth emerges. This is the realisation that you are responsible for everything you do in your life, no matter the external circumstances.”
other synonymous words: responsibility, accountability, ownership
so… it’s not even taking responsibility of everything,
but take full extreme ownership = the foundation of long-term success
others but us
instead of
- attribute others’ success to luck, circumstances
- make excuses for our own circumstances, our failures
- → beyond our control
- → poor luck
- → poorly performing team members
- i.e. anything, anyone but ourselves.
easier to blame external factors for our failures than ourselves
victim’s mindset
we might be stuck in the victim’s mindset
→ an internal dialogue, narrative “the world is out to get me, everything is against me”
even if one has been victimised in the past,
it’s still possible take accountability for
what you can do to change your circumstances
stay with victim’s mindset ⇒ you’ll stay in the same exact spot in your life forever
why is this so difficult?
we struggle with this because it feels uncomfortable to look at ourselves and to admit things are not good, and take action towards changing them
e.g.
- consistent healthy habits (exercise, diet, sleep)
- poor self-esteem
while really it’s not groundbreaking…
- you want to start lifting more? → well it's on you.
- you want to eat better? → well it’s on you too.
- you want to have better habits? → on you.
- you want to feel better, find love, build a business, etc? → well it’s on you, because
nobody is coming to save you.
and granted, it’s easier said than done,
most people already know that,
but to be able to embody this advice and put this into practice
is challenging.
so… how to?
stop waiting.
stop waiting for permission,
stop waiting for support,
stop waiting for magical hits of motivation,
because they won’t.
stop waiting, just start taking steps towards your goals.
everything is my fault
everything is my fault,
and this means i can change everything too,
i can fix things.
vs. if this is external, beyond my control,
then yeah, it’s way easier to find excuses “i can’t do anything about it”
even if you have been wronged,
faced misfortune or injustices,
this mindset shift is the path to success and growth.
some real limitations tho
it can be dangerous to interchange these words:
- responsibility
- fault
- blame
- accountability
some versions of this advice can be problematic
e.g. “everything is your fault”
which is quite extreme.
it is a fact, a reality that
society is clearly unfair
there are bad people in the world
there are discrimination, inequality, horror
the gaps between the extremes are getting unprecedentedly bigger, and faster (poor vs. rich, healthy vs. unhealthy)
and it’s not so much about how humans have changed drastically (e.g. willpower down the drain)
but because of how our environment and circumstances have changed
the world we live in = highest rates of depression, anxiety, suicide
putting the entire responsibility (blame) on the individual without looking at the real circumstances, challenges and environments in which we live and have to self-improve
→ that’s wrong, because it’s more nuanced than that
reminds me of Just-world hypothesis, and the myth of meritocracy (🚧)
so this advice can be problematic because
it puts all outcomes as if they were fully within your control,
ignoring luck, circumstances and the actions of others
this can def be empowering and freeing,
can turn the guilt into motivation
but this can also turn the guilt into…
more guilt and blame for things one didn’t cause
(e.g. you were assaulted because you went out and took the bus duh?)
vs. what one can realistically change
fault vs. responsibility
according to Mark Manson:
- fault: generally external and past tense → “X happened”
- responsibility: present and future tense → “how can i react to it now? how do i choose to move forward?”
so the caveat with “everything is your responsibility”, and what it actually means:
- you’re not to blame for everything that happened to you
- BUT you are responsible for how you respond
too much responsibility?
the truth is:
there are things in life that are outside of your control,
there are things in life that you are not to blame for
(e.g. your loved has a terrible disease)
however, you can take ownership for how you respond to all situations
even if it’s tempting to say
”it’s not my fault, there is nothing i can do about that”
truth is, most of the time, there is something you can do about that
stoicism
hi marcus (meditations)
things in your life you can control:
- your beliefs
- your character
- your actions
- your efforts
things you can’t control:
- external events
- other people
- society
- even the outcomes of your actions
❌ you’re responsible for everything
✔ you're responsible for everything you can control
e.g. you can’t control how your partner is mad at you
→ but you can control how you communicate, how you listen, how you regulate your emotions, how you show up (care > defensiveness)
against you
there are some forces that can work against you,
it’s important to be aware of them so that you don’t blame yourself
→ you can still work on them and make them better, but you cannot fully control them
- luck (🚧)
- timing
- systems
- other people
- outcomes
so what…?
important takeaway, at its core:
hopebelief that things can change,
you can change