source link: https://youtu.be/p8XCBNylI7g | Pick Up Limes
Actions ➡ Identities
- (action) help vs. helper (identity)
- action = verb: “can you help clean up?”
- identity = noun: “can you be a helper?”
- (action) be understanding vs. be an understanding person (identity)
- action: “can you be more understanding?”
- identity: “I know you have been such an understanding person, can we talk about this?”
It works because:
- less of a criticism
- more of an invitation to show up and act as one’s best self
Limit first person language
- “you” and “I”
- sounds harsh, like an accusation, a blame → focus on the person as the problem
- ❌ “you don’t have time for me”
- ❌ “I am so bad at this”
- vs. “we” + the issue
- focus on the situation instead of the people → ok this situation is a problem, so how can we fix this? :)
- ✅ “we haven’t had much time together lately”
- ✅ “This is not going well”
Should ➡ Could
- “should”: pressure, guilt, obligation, only 1 answer possible, rigid, controlling
- a gap between who we are and who we are supposed to be
- ⇒ this leads to psychological reactance because it feels threatening
- “could”: choice, opportunity, more open
- mindset shift from guilt to choice, “have to” → “get to”
But ➡ And
- ”… but …”: feels like this invalidates and cancels everything that came before the but
- “you’re doing great, but here’s what to fix…”
- → feels like a wall, it creates tension
- → feels corrective
- vs. ”… and …”: feels more connecting
- “you’re doing great, and here’s what could make it even better…”
- → feels like a bridge, it creates connections
- → feels collaborative
Add “Because”
- adding a “because …” + meaningful reason or not even necessarily increases the willingness to comply, to collaborate with you
- → this gives a sense of logic and purpose to the other person
- e.g.
- ❌ “can we wrap this up soon?”
- ✅ vs. “can we wrap this up soon, because I want to be mindful of everyone’s time”