attachment styles are patterns of
how we think
feel
behave
in close relationships
there are 2 types, and more sub-types:
- secure
- insecure
- preoccupied anxious
- dismissive avoidant
- fearful avoidant (disorganised)
how are they formed?
- primarily in early childhood,
- based on our interactions with our primary caregivers
- but also later on, from our interactions with anyone really: friends, romantic relationships, etc.
these are just categories, but in reality, it’s rather a spectrum
people won’t necessarily fit into one category perfectly, there might be some overlap
it’s also not permanent, those can evolve and people change over time and with awareness
axes and quadrants
- anxiety vs. avoidance
- thoughts about self vs. partner
> secure attachement
this is the goal
→ the healthy blueprint for relationship
usually formed by consistent, responsive and supportive caregiving
→ the child learns that their needs will be met and that the world is a safe place :)
Key characteristics
About intimacy, independence, communication, conflict, trust and self-worth…
- Comfort with intimacy: they feel comfortable being close and emotionally open with their partners
- Healthy independence: strong sense of self and comfortable doing things on their own
- Effective communication: can express needs and feelings clearly and directly
- Resilience in conflict: see disagreements as a problem to be solved together, not a threat to the relationship
- Trust: generally trusting of their partners and feel worthy of love
> anxious-preoccupied attachment
characterised by strong desire for closeness coupled with fear of abandonment
usually formed by inconsistent caregiving — sometimes caregiver was responsive, sometimes neglectful.
→ this creates anxiety about whether needs will be met.
Key characteristics
- Craving intimacy: intense need for constant closeness and reassurance from partner
- Fear of abandonment: worry that their partner will leave them and may be hypersensitive to small changes in their partner’s mood or behaviour
- Low self-esteem in relationships: “not good enough” feeling and need constant validation from their partner to feel secure
- “Protest behaviours”: may engage in actions like calling/texting excessively, starting arguments or threatening to leave to get a reaction and reassurance.
> dismissive-avoidant attachment
characterised by strong emphasis on independence and a discomfort with emotional intimacy
usually formed by caregivers who were emotionally distant, rejecting or unresponsive
→ the child learns to suppress their emotional needs and become self-reliant
Key characteristics
- Valuing independence above all: they pride themselves on not “needing” anyone and can see dependence as a weakness
- Discomfort with intimacy: uneasy with deep emotional conversations, vulnerability, and sometimes physical closeness
- Emotional distance: they tend to withdraw or “shut down” when things get too emotionally intense or during conflict
- Suppression of feelings: they often dismiss their own and their partner’s feelings, rationalising emotions away
> fearful-avoidant attachment (or disorganised)
push and pull dynamic driven by simultaneous desire for and fear for intimacy
usually formed by caregivers who were source of both feat and comfort.
→ the child is caught in an unsolvable dilemma: the person they need to go to for safety is also the source of danger :(
Key characteristics
- Mixed feelings about relationships: desperately want emotional closeness but terrified of getting hurt and letting someone get too close
- Unpredictable behaviour: can be confusing and contradictory — pulling a partner in and then pushing them away suddenly
- Difficulty regulating emotions: can be easily overwhelmed by their own strong emotions, especially in relationships
- Fear of betrayal: often distrust their partners’ intentions, expecting to be hurt or abandoned